10 Advice That You Would Wish Your In-Laws To Hear
They say that when you marry someone, it is not only the person that you marry but also the rest of his family. This may be easy to do to some but can be grueling to many – most notably to Filipino couples. With the famed Pinoy “strong family ties” culture and setting, wherein most newly-weds would still live with or near with either side of their families (either by choice or necessity), there is a great deal of possibility of familial frictions in between in-laws. This may originate from a lot of reasons but can be primarily due to individual and domestic differences in orientation and upbringing. This is something that is hard and even impossible to control or change simply because, we are as we are, and they are as they are.
However, it would be hypocritical to say if it is effortless to just let it be all the time. I have read plentiful of posts from Moms (who are also daughters-in-law), even those that are living separately from both their and their husband’s parents, voicing speckled issues with their in-laws. It ranged from conflicts in child-upbringing, religious and traditional beliefs or practices, career preferences, household and financial principles to even their own marital relationship with their husbands. As moms who already have our tables full, we cannot afford to have these as our additional mental and emotional burden. And these are one of the conflicts that are so hard to handle, moreover, balance because these are things which you cannot easily be vocal about, but when kept unaddressed, can significantly affect our daily goings-on as a family.
So, after seeing another thread (with an unsurprisingly abundant number of responses) from a mom, posting a list of advice that was claimed to be coming from a Court Judge handling family disputes, I decided to re-post it with some slight tweaks of my personal views about it. Though as much as we want this to be literally heard by our in-laws or parents, I simply wanted this to be just something that we can relate and be open about. This post is not to adjudicate nor generalize our in-law affairs but rather impart unconventional ideas that hopefully may help us in finding the right setup that works for us and also aid in bettering our relationships with them. Also, who knows, this might come in handy once it becomes our turn to be the in-laws ourselves.
Here are 10 of the advice you would wish your In-laws to hear.
1. Don’t encourage your son and his wife to stay under the same roof with you. Best to suggest them to move out, even to the extent of renting a house. It’s their problem to find a separate home. More the distance between you and your children’s families, the better is the relationship with your in-laws
My take on this – Remember the saying “familiarity breeds contempt”? Privacy is indeed essential when starting to make a family of our own, so, I totally understand the point of this. However, it is also understandably common that some married couples would still choose to live among their parents due to varying reasons and mostly due to companionship and support. I personally would prefer to live distantly from both my and my husband’s family, however, I found a huge advantage of living near them especially a few months after giving birth and during the time we were still having our house constructed.
2. Treat your son’s wife as his wife, not as your own daughter, maybe just treat her as a friend. Your son would always be your Junior but, if you think that his wife is of the same rank and if you ever scolded her, she would remember it for life. In real life, only her own mother and not you will be viewed as a person qualified to scold or correct her.
My take on this – I don’t know about you, but would you accept someone else scolding you other than your mother/parents? Of course, this can be subjective because the level of our relationships with our in-laws and situations vary. Nevertheless, there is a high tendency that you would not want to be reprimanded by someone else, all the more your in-laws.
3. Whatever habits or characters your son’s wife has is not your problem at all, it is your son’s problem. It isn’t your problem as he is an adult already.
My take on this – I do agree on this but might not be applicable in serious circumstances where these traits of either spouse involve violence and anything that compromises the safety and overall well-being of the family.
4. Even when living together, make each other’s businesses clear, don’t do their laundry, don’t cook for them and don’t babysit their children. Unless, of course, there is a special request by your son’s wife and you feel that you’re capable and don’t expect anything in return. Most importantly, you shouldn’t worry about your son’s family problems. Let them settle themselves.
My take on this – For a Filipino culture, this is something that is hard to apply. They say that being a mother or a parent does not stop when our children marry and have a family of their own – even to the point of extending it to their grandchildren. Nonetheless, we must remember that letting them/us be is necessary so they/we can learn on their/our own. Making things clear about things that are okay and not okay is really important.
5. Pretend to be blind and deaf when your son and his wife are quarreling. It’s normal that young couples do not like their parents to be involved in the dispute between husband and wife.
My take on this – It is inevitable for married couples to argue. But in the in-laws’ point of view, it is so hard not to interfere especially if you are all living under the same roof, so again, one of the reasons for reiterating point 1.
6. Your grandchildren totally belong to your son and his wife. However they want to raise their children, it is up to them. The credit or blame would be on them.
My take on this – See point 4.
7. Your son’s wife need not necessarily respect and serve you. It is the son’s duty. You should have taught your son to be a better person so that you and your son’s wife relationship could be better.
My take on this – My Filipina heart disagrees with this because naturally, we are taught to always respect the elders, even more to our in-laws. I though agree that it is the responsibility of either one of the spouse to work-on in bringing his partner closer with his parents.
8. Do more planning for your own retirement, don’t rely on your children to take care of your retirement. You had already walked through most of your journey in life, there are still a lot of new things to learn throughout the journey.
My take on this – I couldn’t agree more on this. Even before I became a parent, I always believed that it is our individual duty to be self-sufficient, even as we grow older. I do not appreciate it when someone advises me that I should have more children so that there will be more of them to take care of me and support me when I age. For me, it sounds selfish since it implicates that children are made to become long-term investments that parents will reap eventually.
9. It is your own interest that you enjoy your retirement years. Better if you could utilize and enjoy everything that you had saved before you die. Don’t let your wealth become worthless to you.
My take on this – This is very true. Same goes with as the principle of point 8 – we must become self-sufficient, so we can later enjoy everything as we get older. But, of course, being our usual Pinay-parent self, it is our propensity to always think and work for the benefit of our children.
10. Grandchildren don’t belong to your family, they’re their parents’ precious gift.
My take on this – I disagree with this because as a Pinay Mama, we cannot take away the belongingness of our children to their grandparents. We cannot put boundaries in the love that in-laws would like to express to our children and I think it’s just a matter of making things clear to them in terms of our upbringing and our own rules to them being our own kids.
How about you? What’s your take on the above? Feel free to share your comments below.
The MoMillennial Pinay
